so, recently i've been watching all of the x-men movies in a consecutive order. here's my really uninteresting review of x-men to x-men first class.
X-MEN (2000)
ok, so, i want to clarify that my x-men knowledge pre-watching this movie was close to nothing, zilch! i remember picking up whatever run had scott and evil jean and scott was gonna die??? this was ages ago at my school library that didn't offer a plentiful selection of comic books anyways. the point is, i have limited knowledge and i no memory of the movie from whenever i had seen it as a kid. so, this is a new experience! a new and exciting experience.
now, this wouldn't have turned into a movie marathon had i not LOVED this movie! professor x is awesome, and i was rooting for wolverine and scott and everyone really. except for rogue, who was alright, but jeez i was waiting for a big moment from her! aside from the bit where she was sucking the power out of wolverine to heal herself. but, that's not really stepping up and being a badass and saving the day. she's the damsel in distress for the whole movie, which is fine for the first one but, this is especially something that frustrates me in the third movie. i'll get into that later.
magneto is a really cool villain, but the whole time i was thinking about someone deploying an inflatable hamster ball that trapped him in there made out of plastic. problem solved. they actually do this in the second movie. it was a lot cozier than what i had imagined.
i was also thinking "why doesn't charles just mind control everyone to like the mutants" but i read something somewhere on a forum that talked about how that would be a really fishy historical event and end up backfiring on the mutants. cause then people would look at the past and go, hmm... that's weird why did everybody on the the fourth of april 2000 at 4:34 pm suddenly decide to stop being racist. must be the mutants! ragh, i'm racist again. also charles would have to mind control any newborn that grows up and decides to hate the mutants cause they're not under mind control yet. point is, that'd be a chore, and it'd probably make his mind explode from overworking his power.
i thought it was kind of funny how wolverine kept cucking scott, though. i feel really bad for the guy. poor dude has the girl of his dreams and hairy hugh jackman comes around with his fist claws and suddenly his wife has all the hots for him.
i think the stupidest mutant was toad. every time he was on screen doing his frog thing i felt sick. that tongue cgi was disgusting. i don't know if anyone has seen ghoulies (1984), but i keep being reminded of that movie every time he sticks his gross tongue out.
anyways, i'd give this movie a solid 4 stars cause i'm a sucker for superheros. also, halle berry is my dream girl in this movie.
X-2 (2003)
it's devastating the way this movie was released a year too late and not on the second of february. if you're gonna have a number in your movie title you might as well time the release date on theme. haha, i think that'd be impossible anyways with how lengthy movie production is.
anyways, this movie is also pretty ace. i liked how the bad guys from the last movie have to work with the good guys. rogue is as important as her character will get for the next five movies in this one. it's a gradual decline from there, cause she doesn't even exist in the other movies after the last stand.
i don't have a lot of particularly revolutionary thoughts about this movie. i liked it. it was cool that the villain had some ties in with wolverine. they somehow managed to make storm even hotter in this movie. my friend august tells me they absolutely massacred nightcrawler's character in this film, but i'm honestly not too familiar with nightcrawler enough to know if there was any injustice done there. i trust my friend though. especially cause the only thing i remember about him briefly is that he is mystiques son. so, was pretty confused as to why that wasn't brought up when he was talking to her about being cursed by james cameron.
jean grey died.
RIP BOZO
jk, she's pretty neat.
X-MEN: THE LAST STAND (2006)
what. happened.
they started killing off all the cool x-men like fucking marvel endgame in which scott dies the most pathetic cuck death of the century and proceeds to get FURTHER CUCKED moments after his death. guess all those cold shoulders from jean in the previous movie makes sense! she wanted that guy stone cold dead and ATOMIZED so she could hook up with bigfoot! i was lowkey hoping jean would turn around and piece him back together but i guess that wasn't in the cards for him or charles cause jean's evil persona was super horny and mad she couldn't get some! what the heck?
rogue ALSO gets cucked. WHAT IS HAPPENING? people are getting killed and cucked and un-mutated left to right!
people are dying left to right and getting cucked and MYSTIQUE ALSO gets... platonically cucked? magneto essentially just ditches her forever for the other mutants when she gets whitewashed.
but you know what the worst offender of all was?
THIS. THIS IS INSANITY. what is with the way they've dyed her hair?! why couldn't they just keep it straight white or that platinum blonde from the last movie? the black streaks in there look so off-putting. this is a tragedy, and they've done my girl halle berry dirty.
anyways, rogue becomes my least favorite character in this movie. i have to shit talk her again. it's just so sad. instead of learning to love herself for who she is and being able to make the most epic save of the movie in place of wolverine, she pussies out. i mean, ok, i get it. but, couldn't she have received the cure after? one last heroic use of her powers before she turns to a life of normality? or learn to touch her boyfriend through a skinsuit or something? has nobody tried to wrap her in saran wrap? i was expecting instead of wolverine, that somehow miraculously he would distract her long enough for rogue to lunge at her and suck away all her powers and whatnot. or maybe she could have done that with literally anyone else who was trying to kidnap that bald kid. it was so lame the way she nopes out for most of the movie. i ended up rooting for bobby and kitty at some point cause she's just not there for the fight at all.
and, man, i wish we saw more of that awesome angel dude. he seemed like such a cool character, and an even cooler mutant. i was expecting him to be more dialogue-heavy.
anyways, magneto gets a taste of his own medicine for the first time in his long long long long long long long long long life. but, i thought it was cool the way he still might have powers. so, that cure was a piece of conksucky shit anyways and didn't even work. great. whole movie was for nothing. i bet in a later movie we'll see mystique again too, the one played by rebecca romijn. and she is a sexy blue lady again.
X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE (2009)
i'm just gonna be real with you, this movie was just ok. i guess we got more insight about wolverine's backstory, but here lies the first inconsistent retconning that doesn't exactly make a lot of sense.
sabretooth.
ok, so now he's more than an animalistic brute. now he's a guy with nuance, but he's still pretty freaking evil. seriously, what are the upsides to working for stryker at that point? you got your claws! i guess with how power hungry and greedy he is, one could say he is still quite an animal... heh... anyways, i have no idea why they made him wolverine's half brother. i'm not sure i've ever heard about wolverine having any sort of familial tie with sabretooth at all. so, this was a strange new development, as i'm sure it was for actual diehard x-men fans. anyways, this movie was boring, but at least deadpool was also really shitty to make things better.
kidding, that made things so much worse. i'll give it to stryker for sewing his mouth shut, that was kind of funny given his name. but, turning him into a fucking kabutop evil superman hybrid? what a way to make a joke out of deadpool in the lamest way possible. it was comedic if you look at it from a satirical lens but you know someone on the writing team was getting all giddy over their epic new supervillain idea.
why worry? each of us is wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator in his back.
yep.
let's get ready.
switch me on.
was not impressed. neeext!
X-MEN: FIRST CLASS (2011)
ok, more retconning. greeeaaaaaaat... i love it when that happens. NOT! well, okay, i wasn't too confused by it. but, that makes the scene where magneto and professor x go and recruit jean for their school make absolutely no sense. there are probably a lot more inconsistencies that i can't recall to point out.
oh, i tweeted about this, but i thought this minor detail was super funny for no reason.
why are they both drinking...
milk????????
i think hank poured a glass for himself, and then offered it to banshee who thought it'd be awkward to decline.
also not much to say about this movie, but i guess it makes sense why mystique is so loyal to magneto. but now that i know she's super old, why didn't she turn into an old lady when she was stripped of her powers. i guess seeing a naked old woman lying there instead of rebecca romijn would have been kind of unappealing. anyways, i was unsure of who to root for with her and her love life. she had three different love interests and that's really actually four when you think about x2 where she tried to bang wolverine for no reason. man, is hugh jackman really that irresistible to the ladies?
ok, enough of this! thank god i stopped there. like i said, got halfway through wolverine and got bored.
those were my thoughts, thanks for reading!
-eb
